The effects of affection
by Link-luvr
Summary: A look at how one person can change, complete and destroy your world. Based 4000 years pre-game. Kruan. Mentioned Yuartel. Oneshot


A.N: Based 4000 years before the game. A look at how relationships can affect a person, and how one person can affect a relationship.

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**The effects of affection**

It was something Kratos told himself he would never feel. He was far too rational a person, too logical, too controlled, too…closed. Or at least, that's what Yuan had called it. Closed.

It was easier to be closed, in all honesty. If you were closed you didn't end up with a constant ache in your heart and stomach, the constant threat of tears that the thickness in your throat informed you of. You didn't end up spending days and weeks hoping for something that wasn't going to happen. And then after, you didn't spend all your time jumping whenever you thought he was about to approach. Wouldn't spend all your time feeling sick and angry that he wasn't talking to you. Your stomach wouldn't lurch whenever you heard his voice….or use a pet name for her that he once used for you.

You wouldn't hurt at the affection in his voice when he spoke to her, or be jealous of the way he directed all his attention at her, or walked close enough, side by side, barely a hair's breadth from brushing hands at one another.

Emotions. Relationships. All he had experienced from them so far was hurt.

But no…that wasn't true. There had been those moments…when he looked at you with so much affection in his eyes that all the waiting suddenly seemed worthwhile. Those moments in his arms when you felt contented and cared for…those were what you entered a relationship for.

"The point of a relationship, is not how it starts or ends. It's not the worry when you tell someone you like them that matters and it's not the pain when it ends that matters…it's those precious moments in between that make you feel complete and whole. Those moments are why we bother with relationships."

Kratos had said those words. And he knew every word that he had spoken was true when he had said it. He just didn't realise how much it hurt to have that relationship end when he said that. He had been naïve to that.

But he had to wonder if it was just the denial of a relationship that was really bothering him. Or whether it was just his sudden proximity with _her._

Pain…the pain of an ending of a relationship…that he could deal with. It meant depression for a few days, then anger and sorrow and it would all last for a couple of weeks. But in time, you would get over it. The anger, sorrow and depression had not made him weep. It was the care and attention he paid to her which had.

He had promised they would still be friends. Good friends.

He barely looked at him now.

It had started months ago. Shortly after they had met. Kratos had known the moment he had spoken to Yuan that there was something there. Even if he had wondered what it was at the time. They had travelled together, talked, grown closer and everything had been fine. And sure enough, confused as he was, he thought there might be something there. Some bond that he had not had before but had been looking for for a long long time.

And then, whether he had known it or not, his sudden dreams had come true. Yuan had expressed his feelings back….the same feelings, or what at the time, they both thought were the same feelings. And he had soared at the feeling of soft lips pressing against his own as they sat trembling in each other's arms. Nerves and excitement had coursed through him. He would never forget that moment.

The next day everything had been fine. They had been busy and had not seen much of each other during the day, save the occasional glance and smile as they walked and worked, accompanying a travelling caravan as bodyguards. That night they had met up again.

Kratos had greeted the half-elf with a warm smile, pleased to see his new found….whatever he had been. Boyfriend didn't suit the term because they were not courting…but there was something undeniable there and he settled himself down beside the other man, comfortable, waiting for the embrace to be offered. It was, eventually, and they were soon on the floor, kissing, one atop the other, trembling still at the newness and excitement and nervousness of the situation.

And then Yuan had pulled away and dashed dreams with just a few words.

"I can't do this."

Kratos had bolted upright, confused and concerned as Yuan bit his lip in distress, retreating to the corner of the room.

"I'm sorry it just…it doesn't feel right. Not completely. I need…I need time to sort myself out. I'm sorry."

Kratos swallowed thickly. "It's fine. Don't worry about it."

And it was fine. Because the person he cared for was distressed and hurting in front of him, and the only thing he could think of was offering him solace and comfort. He just wanted to get rid of that expression of hurt on his face. His own feelings…they were none existent in that moment. Too caught up in worry for the other man.

So they had parted for the night, deciding it was best if they had time away from each other.

Words had been sparse over the next few days but there was something deep within Kratos' mind that gave him hope that this chance at something with Yuan was not over. So he kept on hoping quietly, never giving anything away to the other (that he was aware of), just patiently waiting for him to come around, to get over it and try again.

It paid off.

It was weeks later when they sat together again, talking quietly, with one other in their group until Yuan announced that he was going to bed. Kratos watched him go quietly, speaking with Mithos who had since joined them. Martel was nowhere around. Asleep already.

But Yuan's footsteps had ceased abruptly and, sending Mithos off to bed, Kratos followed the other man, concerned for him, hopeful of something from him when he found him hidden in a cluster of trees.

"I thought you were going to bed…is there a reason we're standing hidden in a dark cluster of trees."

Yuan smiled. "Could be".

He had stepped forwards, slipping hands around the other's waist, pulling him close and pressing lips against lips again. Kratos smiled to himself. He had known this would happen and this time, surely it would last. Yuan could not still have doubts over his feelings if he was trying again, could he?

That was something Kratos could not have been more wrong about.

A week later, it was all over again. Another bout of kissing and petting, Yuan's hand slipping timidly into the others britches. Nervously caressing for a moment before…

"I can't do this."

Again.

"I'm so so sorry," he had sighed "I just…this won't work. We can't be together like this."

Hopes were suddenly dashed again and this time, he knew they wouldn't be rebuilt. The surety in Yuan's voice as he spoke confirmed that for him. There was no way this could happen…not in his eyes.

And still he had comforted. "It's fine, Yuan. Don't worry about it."

It was true. At the time it was fine because, just like before, he was too concerned about the others wellbeing to be concerned with something as petty as his own insignificant emotions.

"As long as I know where I stand."

"As a friend,' Yuan had stated "As a good friend."

Apparently, however, Yuan's definition of 'good friend' was different from Kratos'.

In Kratos' books, good friends would talk to each other, stay in contact, try and help when something was obviously wrong. Yuan didn't speak for him for two weeks. And in that two weeks, Martel had suddenly become very attractive.

Kratos had always known that there was something in Martel that Yuan had been attracted to. He had kept quiet about it at the time. There was no reason to create a problem where there wasn't one.

But now there was one… there was a gaping hole between Yuan and him. And Martel was between them. Kratos didn't bear her any resentment. She was a good girl, sweet and friendly, kind and caring and Kratos had to admit that when Yuan and Martel stood together, they did make a striking couple.

It was unfortunate that his own simmering jealousy and growing anger at Yuan prevented him from being happy for them. And he hated himself for it. They were both his friends, and he loved them dearly and if they found happiness in one another, who was he to stop them from being together?

But he couldn't be happy for them. Not yet. Not when he still wanted Yuan.

It was not the fact there was no chance at a relationship that made a person weep. It was the fact that other was trying for one with someone else in what seemed like 2 seconds after they had broken up. It was the fact that they worked so much better together than he and Yuan ever had. It was the fact that when Martel was around, he, Kratos, paled into insignificance. He was a blurry shape in the background. There, but forgotten.

That was what made him weep.

That and the knowledge that he hated them both for liking each other so much, for having a better relationship in seconds than they had had in months.

"I know you're hurting and I'm sorry…but I just can't be with you."

If he knew he was hurting then why did he insist on flaunting his infatuation with Martel. Could he not give him even a month to come to terms with his own feelings?

Kratos bit his lip, head buried in his knees as he sat in the corner of his room and wept.

These were the things that hurt. He couldn't stand to be around them when they were together…but they were never apart these days.

He wanted to get away but he didn't have a choice, stuck with them, feeling angry and jealous, guilty, sorrowful, sick and depressed.

Yuan said Kratos had affected him. He had no idea just how much he had affected Kratos.

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Lame ending, I know. To be honest, I don't care at the moment. This is more of a personal vent that I couldn't post on my journal at deviantart because the person this is about is one of my friends on there. Thought I may as well put some negative energy to use and create a piece of fiction with it.


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